Writing Blazing Trail- 3S (3/3)

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Crystal Hikara

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Random lil three-shot. I had written a little bit of this a good while ago, but never finished it. So I finished it up all nice-like because I got the writing bug. I woulda started re-writing Enigmatic Star, but I'm saving that for January. (I'mma make my own NaNoWriMo! Ha!) And RQO needs lots more work before I consider even posting it up, and I'm still kinda burned out from it, sooooo something else. Hope you guys won't mind.

Note: I believe that Entei, like the other two runners, is a dog. Don't like it being called a dog? Too bad, that's what I believe and what I'm posting here ;D
Another Note: There's no set region where this takes place. I had none really in mind when writing this.
Final Note: Yum, angsty. Because it's so heavy on the angst, I'll call it PG-13 if that's okay with you guyz. That and there is some swearing, if that's okay by the mods. (I still laugh hard how c rap gets picked by the word filter. HA!)

Author’s Request: If anyone reads this and decides to comment on this, PLEASE DO NOT PICK OUT GRAMMATICAL OR SPELLING ERRORS. It’s not the point of this three-shot…it’s to improve on my tragedy skills, as I’m going to incorporate a lot more of tragic things into my old fanfic I’m sorta rewriting right now, Rose Quartz and Onyx. So, I wanna aim for being more emotional than anything else. I hope you understand.

Uhhhh…that being said, I’m not too good with writing what’s deemed as ‘short stories’ or ‘one/two/three-shots’, so bear with me on the lack of skill there. I write novels, kay? That’s my thing. But this is an experiment. :p Deal with it. I don't wanna drag it out too long, but I want to force in some emotional attachments to the characters before what’s done is done, you know? Well, here’s to hoping the Fanfic sharks here can help me out, yesh? Without further ado…

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

=============================

Sulfur comfortably filled the air as the massive brown creature yawned, forcing out small licks of flames from his throat. Soon thereafter he rested his majestic head back down upon powerful, colossal paws, lightly running his somewhat rough tongue over his threatening teeth. Lethal claws lazily extended, not to lash out on the unsuspecting family of Zigzagoon that had lost their way on Mt. Phoenix, but rather to merely feel the igneous rocks beneath foot, and how easily they broke under such little pressure. It made things far too simple a life, to be this powerful…

But then, a scent beyond the typical Pokemon foraging the barren mountainside and the smell of rocks burning and turning into lava caught Yainei’s attention. Curiously, though still lethargic, he rose his head once more, soft breast fur nearly tickling his forelegs as he did so. With amber eyes, he gazed off down the mountain side. Nothing. As though to see if his nose was working correctly, he sniffed with the small yet powerful olfactory organ hidden beneath his masked face once more. Yes, there it was; two foreign, woods like scents lingered down the mountain somewhere, masked by the various poisonous gases looming in the air. His interest piqued, he rose his head off his paws and clambered to a more suitable sitting position, so as to gather more information than he could when lying down. Still nothing in sight. Was the heat causing a mirage that there was nothing there? No, he decided, I am of the volcano itself. Why would I not see past the mirage? This puzzles me.

Soon footsteps greeted his ears hidden underneath the thick fur surrounding his head like a mane. The sound fit in with what his sense of smell had decided. Two living creatures climbed up the mountain. One was a quadruped and light on foot, but the other was heavy, staggering about on just two feet. Was the two-legger wounded? What of the four-legger? Was it attacking it? No, it didn’t sound that way. If anything, it seemed to be chaperoning the two-legger up the mountain. Still, this is very interesting…why would something that was wounded be taken up here?

Yainei had forgotten the intensity of his abilities after his new life began as this new majestic lifeform. Finally, behind the curtain of shimmering heat, he made out the two in question. Sure enough, one was staggering about, appearing close to collapsing. It was a meek figure, smaller than himself, though that wasn’t of any surprise. Privately he held a second of a chuckle, remembering how he towered over his comrades in his past life, and even now still did. Regardless, his thoughts of laughter fumbled as he made out the figure more clearly as it inched forward. It’s…a human? He blinked, as though to see if his eyes weren’t correct, but they were. The figure of a meek human was stumbling about.

But then there was the matter of the creature beside the human. It was definitely a Pokemon, and though it dashed about, nervously, it seemed to always stop in front of the hominid, appearing concerned at the least. Yainei squinted his eyes, cursing their slow ascent to his nest. Oh, how my glasses would be amazing right now…but, no, Pokemon don’t wear glasses… he scoffed at the thought, deciding it would be stupid. But then, ah, he finally figured out the species, merely from the sharpening, beige color of the creature, the nature it frolicked along, and a quick shine from its forehead. Definitely a Meowth…what are a human and a Meowth doing in these parts of the mountain, though? These conditions are far too hazardous for them. The human seems affected more than the Meowth, though…

And, all other thoughts ended for him as he finally made out the figure of the human as it pushed on faster, eager to reach the summit. His eyes widened as the figure of a young girl became clear. She couldn’t have been more than eight or nine, the way her body was still growing. Her hair, a rich brown to turn near black when she was older, was pulled back into a tight bun where only a few deliberate strands escaped and trailed down to just past her shoulder blades. Even within the distance he was in, Yainei made out a trail of sweat, grime and tears down her face and body. Her dress, ragged with holes though elegant in its tailoring, occasionally caused her to trip lightly, in which case the Meowth companion would hesitate, jump to her side, and question how she was doing. She then would appreciatively gaze at the animal, pet him with a quivering hand, and push on.

Memories flooded back dangerously for the majestic fire type sitting on the peak of his new home. The slings and arrows of his own child and wife he had to leave behind so long ago clouded his vision. He’d never touch his love or his baby girl, his cherished life he helped create, again. The way she smiled was the sun’s rays bursting through a particularly violent storm, encompassing all with her warmth and love. But, soon the clouds swallowed up the sun with death. He had done his duty, and now had to live with his sacrifice that he and his two other comrades made so long ago in the mine. He shook his head, as though to deprive himself of the depressing thoughts. This was no time for being sorry on himself. There were visitors; he had to at least greet them, and see if there wasn’t anything he could do for them.

The girl’s figure inched ever so nearer, and perhaps seeing through the volcanic fog and making out his image, she quickened her pace. His ears finally heard her voice, riddled with coughs and labored breathing. Swiftly, and feeling quite concerned as a past father, he fully rose to his feet. The wind caused by the heat clashing with cooler air down the mountain combed through his fur, over his back particularly. The fur on his back, protected by jagged plates that symbolized the mountainside he slept upon, was pure white like the smoke caused by water meeting a fire. Even moreso did she press on, staggering more and more. Her breathing problems became heavier a burden on her. The Meowth mewed and yowled in discontent of her pushing herself so heavily, but now instead of trying to comfort the cat, she ignored him and pushed on with her tired steps.

Finally, she was before him. Somberly he gazed down upon her, locking eyes. Her gentle yet determined orbs of a brilliant gold within a shell of emerald seemed endlessly relieved at the sight of Yainei. Bags underneath the lively eyes spoke of sickness, and her eyelids threatened to slam shut at any moment. Her pale lips curled up into a pure, unbelievably pleasant smile, despite the pain she seemed to be in. She choked on the oxygen-deprived air, but still held her grin, before she spoke so quietly.

“Entei…I’ve finally…got…to meet you…”

Exhausted by happiness and the trip, she hastily tumbled over herself, but Yainei saw what was coming. With such ease he leapt speedily to her side, flattening the gray plates of his back so that she would fall safely upon his back. Feather-light to his frame, she took to her sickbed gently, happily falling within the water-smoke fur. Soon, though, all that concerned Yainei was the creature cussing before him.

“You son of an ugly Camerupt! What the hell do you think you’re doing with my young lady?! Put her down at this instant! I’ll have your jugular vein with my claws otherwise!” the Meowth hissed violently. Sharp claws surfaced from his paws threateningly as he bore sharp felines. Yainei knew all too well of the possessive kind some Pokemon tended to be with their human companions. He too shared that bond once with his Pokemon when he was human. Calmly, he gazed down.

“…she’s ill, though, and you couldn’t carry her down the mountain to wherever she belongs on your own.”

Deaf of hearing to his words of wisdom, the alley cat pursued, well-groomed fur bristling with every second.

“Don’t even try that bull on me, Mr. I’m-So-Majestic! It’s your fault she’s even so badly ill in the first place, wanting to see you so badly! Unhand her, I say! I’ll find some more capable, more reliable Pokemon to carry her down rather than something that has his own power barred!”

With his last point, he pointed with his lethal, natural claw at the Entei’s legs. Yainei didn’t need to look down at himself to know the eight metal cuffs resting in pairs on all four appendages. Four are to come off, four are to stay on forever, but only when the time comes will you know to take off the unnecessary pair that weighs you down, so he was told by his reviver. Still keeping more than his head, he returned to the Meowth, “If you care for your Mistress’s health so much, you will allow me to help her. You know I’m capable of so, far more than any Pokemon that may live on this mountain.”

“I don’t trust any creature I don’t know and never seen before except in mythology books! Release her!” the normal-type’s voice turned raspy, and he was clearly turning delusional himself from the air.

“I want to help. Please, Meowth. I just want to help her. She will die otherwise if she continues to breathe in these gases. You, too, will die with her if you stay much longer…”

At that, the cat paused, trying to find some sort of comeback for his plea. Common sense was far too much for him, though, and that angered him as he leapt up onto the fire creature’s back with a demeaning scowl. “Fine, fine! Take her home, dammit! But go too fast, threaten to drop her once, and your blood is mine, you hear?”

Yainei heard. He didn’t care of the last. The thought of this young lady, with parents waiting so worriedly for her back home…it forced the thoughts of his own child back into mind. He knew they’d be worried. He would be. He bellowed into the air with his bark, and he watched as the critters below scampered about, clearing a path for him. The Meowth quickly silenced his mouth, clinging stubbornly to his fur, and once he was certain that the young girl was tightly wrapped within his cloud on his back and wouldn’t fall, he dashed straight down the mountainside.

Images blurred past, rocks forming small bushes, occasional trees, and then an entire forest. He knew just how to control his body so he missed each and every hazard within his way. It almost seemed that the forest bent and swayed to his command, afraid of being touched by him and his fiery aura. But, no, the forest was far too beautiful for him to harm, so intertwined with life. True, he was in a mild rush, but a forest fire was the least of what he needed. Cautiously as he danced this way in that on his paws that turned on a dime, he questioned to the Meowth, “Where precisely is her home?”

“Ah, ah, mew, further down at the very foot of the, meow, mountainside…” he hesitantly responded, still clinging on for dear life. The sheer speed must have been amazing for such a common Pokemon such as himself, and Yainei grinned lightly at that. The thrill of moving so quickly…it wasn’t so foreign an idea to him before he was born as a Pokemon. He attempted to remember the warm days he sat bareback upon his Rapidash and Arcanine, watching the landscape scroll by at a dizzying pace, but he had to concentrate. One wrong move, one moment of letting his guard down, and Yainei, along with his foreign passengers, were in for a nasty inelastic collision. It was getting harder for him to move as well; the cuffs on his legs- not of bone but of metal- were rubbing and irritating his skin and muscles.

Soon, the mountain appeared just a mirage as the legendary beast slowed with his movement to concentrate on the scenery. Clearings became more frequent. More earthy and windy Pokemon gathered at the mountain’s stream, though brought their heads up from their drinks to gaze at the awe-causing spectacle before them. Houses soon developed, and with the Pokemon so did the humans turn to glance twice at the fire type that never should have existed. Yainei heard babbles of their gasps, but it didn’t matter.

“Where’s her house?” he coolly questioned the Meowth again, and at that he snapped out of his frightened stupor to look around briefly.

“…it’s a little more past here. You’ll know it when you see it,” the response seemed hesitant, though still riddled with a hint of possessiveness for his mistress. I’ll know it when I see it…? All of these houses, though different, look similar enough. What are the chances I should find the right one…? His maw lowering in a slight look of displeasure, he pressed on. He felt the harsh metal bonds finally severing the skin so much as to cause a warm, painful liquid to start leaking out. It had been the longest time he had run before in his new life, with such cargo to carry as he did, and his body did not withstand the abuse well.

Yainei finally set his eyes upon the obvious house of the young lady. He stopped abruptly and smoothly, held out by a twenty foot high gate.

The house was…breathtaking. It wasn’t far from a mansion, but it was still on the small side to be deemed as such. The lawn was well taken care of, and the pebble road was lined with famous sculptures of rare and powerful creatures of different mythologies. More than likely the statues were various regions, Yainei decided, still gazing in astonishment. Why would someone this rich want their child so unprotected if they were to have let her out in the first place, as ill as she is? As though to baffle him further, the young brunette rolled over in his thick fur, emitting another weak cough. He pawed at the ground somewhat nervously.

“Well, what’re you waiting for?!” the Meowth suddenly tugged at his fur harshly. “Go on, jump the gate, Mr. Powerful Creature of Great Speed!” Still with his hairs in hand, the cat waved his hands about mockingly. More than annoyed now by the lady’s companion, he backed up a few paces, once again checking on the security of the girl. She was still deep within his fur. That was plenty good for him. So, crouching only momentarily, he released an extraordinary power within his limbs, sending him skyward easily. Up, up, up…he didn’t just clear the gate. He flew clean over it. Similar to a cat, he prepared himself for the landing, muscles relaxing like a set of elastic bands. The impact wasn’t anything of pain except for the metal rings; he cursed under his heated breath as they painfully dug into new skin and drew new blood with the landing. I won’t be able to run up the mountain for a while like this…

A piercing sound threw itself into Yainei’s ears, and he nearly doubled over at that. It was a screech not of Pokemon nature, but of something else; it was something far worse, of rubbing metals that fractured noisily underneath each other’s touch. He barked in defiance at the sound, but not before several black-wearing men and fierce fighting types circled widely around the Entei and his temporary companions. He growled, lowering his body slightly as he backed up. There were too many. He could only flee if he tried. However, a bodyguard from the side strolled up, despite Yainei’s snarl, blue-skinned body-building Pokemon dangerously flexing its four arms by his side.

“…Lady Diana…?” the man firmly questioned, and at that, the fire type relaxed. They were just there to bring the child in, to protect the property like any other Pokemon would its territory to protect their family. Cautiously he knelt down, making sure to prove he was no threat to them, before he uncurled the thick fur from her body gently holding her in place. Immediately the Meowth hopped off (And good riddance, Yainei thought at that) and attempted to sign and speak wildly with the bodyguards.

“It’s all his fault! He tried to kidnap her up the mountain! It was only by my heroic efforts that I managed to tame the beast and-”

Gag him, someone, please, the Entei groaned to himself, still kneeling as the female was quickly removed from his fur by a cautious Machoke. The tension in the air was thick enough to breath, without his egotistical, fantastical bragging. Still, the team of convoys seemed disinterested as Diana begun to sickly awaken.

“…huh? Mr. William?”

“Lady Diana, are you of good health?” the Machamp’s owner immediately questioned, bowing in her service.

“I had a wonderful dream, Mr. William…I met an Entei. He was so nice and warm, and treated me like Mom and Dad would have…” she sighed. “Did I fall unconscious in the garden again?”

At that, the party gazed back at the legendary beast accusingly. He daren’t move an inch, less he felt the wrath of several Dynamic Punches raining down on his pelt.

“Lady Diana, you weren’t in the garden when it came time for your morning tea. We’ve been frantically looking for you since then, and only now have we found you…”

Nearly dreaming at first, but becoming more and more aware of what happened when she was in the garden, Diana’s eyes widened. Those curious hazel eyes attempted to take in the whole scene, trying to sit up from the careful arms of the fighting type, but she went into a fit of hysterical chokes instead.

“Lady Diana! Fetch her doctor…”

“I’m…I’m fine, Mr. William…was…was it real? Where’s the Entei? Who…took me home? Where’s…Felix?” the young girl weakly wretched as she attempted to catch her breath and question her bodyguard urgently. All attention seemed to focus off the majestic beast and instead turned to panic once again. A Hitmontop violently spun off, trainer not too far off in tow, in search of the doctor that resided in the manor. Testing his luck, Yainei tested one of his paws. Pain shot through his leg. Blast…Hisui didn’t even tell me how to get these things off, he thought to himself disdainfully. William’s Machamp glowered over at the movement, and to show he meant no harm, the legendary began cleaning his wound with a small, puppy-like wimper. The Superpower Pokemon was not impressed.

“Don’t you dare think you’re outta this so easily, punk? You know what they’re gonna do to you? Huh? They’re gonna pummel you until you turn so blue they’ll think you’re a big ol’ Purugly!” Felix, the Meowth, pointed his claw dangerously at the wounded dog, before leaping over to Diana’s side. “It’s okay, my Mistress! That beast that got you in all of this trouble ain’t gonna cause any more trouble for you-”

“Where is that doctor?!” William bit his bitter words back.

“Mr. William…where’s the…Entei?” Diana whispered. The Machoke grimaced and spoke to its evolution in a worried tone. In one short, yet gentle motion, the elder fighting type felt her forehead. The look on his face told all.

“She’s burning up…” he warned his trainer.

“I’m well aware that Lady Diana’s in dire straits right now, Bruce,” he grumbled. “We can’t do anything until the doctor gets here…!”

“En…Entei…”

At last, it seemed, the bodyguard and his spinning Pokemon came back. Yainei rose his head higher. He could smell the increasing panic of the situation. And it worried him.

“He’s gone,” panted the two in unison.

“What do you mean, he’s gone?!” the butler hissed in a dangerous tone.

“We…we tried calling to him everywhere, but he couldn’t be found. He wasn’t in the dining hall, nor in his quarters, or anywhere in the estate. …I’m sorry, sir…”

William faced away. The Entei wasn’t dumb. He knew he was cursing the doctor silently to Hell, back to Earth and then back to Hell again for playing hooky.

“What are we going to do, sir?” the breathless guardian couldn’t even look to the girl. Yainei could, though. Her breath was shallowing, her heart beating weaker and weaker… “The nearest doctor’s as far away as-”

“I know how far they are away! We just have to try and drive her there!”

“Sir, we’ll never make it in time…! It’s a few miles away!”

“Then let me do it.”

The servants of the girl stared at the majestic dog as he got to his feet. The metal rings pulled and tugged terribly on his legs, but that didn’t matter. A life was at stake. The fighting types took offensive positions.

“…are you truly an Entei?” the head butler’s voice quivered. Surely getting back to his height of nearly seven feet made the man uneasy.

“An?” Yainei queried dumbly. “I am the only one I know of my….” He hesitated. The word was still foreign in his mind, regardless of being reborn for nearly a century now. It all seemed like yesterday he was adjusting to his new Pokemon body, born of the fire that caused the mining cave’s collapse… “…species.”

“Then you must go.”

“Sir!” Several men gasped as he gravely made the order. He held up his hand. Diana weakly gazed over, and once again, even though in terrible pain, she held that beautiful smile up on her face. Her eyes struck Yainei’s heart. They were so similar to his child’s eyes…

“They say Entei is a creature that can run with the Southern winds. With, my boys. And, Diana seems so intent on staying with it.” At his words, the child fell unconscious. The butler’s eyes narrowed in pain at the sight. “…if you are Entei, then consider it your responsibility to take hold of this girl that has been so desperate to see you, and go to the south of here. You’ll see a villa at the foot of the ocean. There is a doctor there living at the edge of the town. Go to him as fast as your feet will carry you.”

“Understood,” Yainei barked lowly.

“I will call and let them know you are coming. We’ll be there some time after you will be.”

At that, William nodded to the Machoke. After some protective hesitation, it gently replaced the now sleeping girl into his fur again.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?! Get this guy!” Felix howled. “He’s the one responsible for getting her this way!”

“I am responsible for her in that sense…that’s why I will try and remedy the situation by saving her,” the Entei growled. Once again, the cat was left without words to make a comeback. The wind rustled through his fur as he took a step forward. The smell of the volcano lingered in the air from the west. As soon as he caught scent of the ocean towards the south, he leapt over the fence and took off.
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (1/3)

Wheeeee I finally managed to find the time to read this :)

This is shaping up to be quite a promising story. If you're looking for feedback, one thing I did notice is that occasionally you seem to go a bit overboard with your descriptions. For example,

"As though to see if his nose was working correctly, he sniffed with the small yet powerful olfactory organ hidden beneath his masked face once more."

"His interest piqued, he rose his head off his paws and clambered to a more suitable sitting position, so as to gather more information than he could when lying down."

Those bolded parts are what I mean, they just seem overly long and not really needed. You could replace them with much shorter descriptions which would allow your writing to flow a lot more fluently. As the story progressed though, this happened less frequently, so maybe you are already aware of it? X)

I'm hoping to see more of this story, it's an interesting read for sure!
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (1/3)

The word is "concise," bacon.

I enjoy seeing someone that can actually use description; it's such a nice change from the lack of detail I've seen around this place (for writers out there, there are exceptions, so no offense). However, there are extraneous words in this place, making your writing seem wordy, also, your word choice tends to be... inaccuarate.

For example:
The girl’s figure inched ever so nearer, and perhaps seeing through the volcanic fog and making out his image, she quickened her pace. His ears finally heard her voice, riddled with coughs and labored breathing. Swiftly, and feeling quite concerned as a past father, he fully rose to his feet. The wind caused by the heat clashing with cooler air down the mountain combed through his fur, over his back particularly. The fur on his back, protected by jagged plates that symbolized the mountainside he slept upon, was pure white like the smoke caused by water meeting a fire. Even moreso did she press on, staggering more and more. Her breathing problems became heavier a burden on her. The Meowth mewed and yowled in discontent of her pushing herself so heavily, but now instead of trying to comfort the cat, she ignored him and pushed on with her tired steps.

Can be edited to:
The girl ["Figure" is uneeded] inched ever so nearer, and perhaps seeing through the volcanic fog and making out his image[Image? I'm not sure about that word choice], she quickening her pace. His ears finally heard her voice, riddled with coughs and labored breathing. Swiftly, and feeling quite concerned as a past father, he fully rose to his feet. The wind caused by the heat thermal currents clashing with cooler air down the mountain combed through his fur, over his back particularly. The fur on His back fur, protected by jagged plates that symbolized the mountainside he slept upon, was pure white like the smoke caused by water meeting a fire. Even moreso did she press on, staggering more and more, her lungs suffering in the noxious atmosphere. Her breathing problems became heavier a burden on her. The Meowth mewed and yowled in discontent of her pushing herself so heavily, concerned about the girl's health, but now instead of trying to comfort appease the cat, she ignored him and pushed on with her tired steps.

Try to make sure you're not slipping in something that can be shortened, but as far as how to fix word choice, I have little to give. Nevertheless, you write well and I would like to see more.

Happy writing,
~Zyflair
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (1/3)

Yaaaaay comments! I love how you guys talk about word choice even though I specifically requested for feedback on my tragedy skillz lol. ;D But hey, I'm not picky with comments.

bacon- The first bit was from me writing a year ago, so that's why it starts out a bit more descriptive. That and whenever I start a new story I always tend to hit it in overdrive with the adjectives, it seems. (RQO's first chapter's currently got that problem...and bad. XD) As I go on, laziness sets in and the style gets more and more bland, as you noticed. But yeah, it is a bit wordy. I shall get around to editing that sometime later soonish.

Zyflair-Haha, thanks! (Yeah, there are a few...barren stories here. :X Vastly upsetting. Doesn't take much to hit Shift-F5, but apparently they're too lazy to even use that tool lol.) Again, as said before, this was written when I was in a particularly wordy mood and when my style was still a little more on the...overabundancy side? LOL that's not a word I'm sure but whatever! Regardless, I shall take all that into consideration. And I most definitely will edit that because I was looking at all those massive paragraphs and I was thinking to myself '...what the heck was I on when I wrote this? A fever?' But I shall most definitely keep that in mind. I get the whole 'flowery' writing comment a lot (from teachers and from people online) so I need to kick my butt a few times and cut back on adjectives apparently still! Thanks for your comment.

As for the next part, it should be up sometime this weekend. It's like...90% done, but it needs a little more to it before I can consider it done done. Needs moar bunnies and rainbows to make it really tragic later. >3
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (1/3)

How do you expect me to grade you on tragedy when the story hasn't even ended? x3

But plot wise, you have the characters set up nicely, and it's all moving along at a decent pace, so I don't think I should pick on anything here. ^_^

I'll be waiting for the next part.
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (1/3)

ASL: Ha, thanks, but that's...not very specific as a comment :p

Zyflair: ...touche, I suppose XD Aaaaaand hopefully it's getting a little more on the tragic side as I add this next bit.

And yes I ended it a bit weirdly derp derp. Really hard to end this part. :/

Part 2

============================================

Warm hands stroked through the silky auburn fur. Made aware of the weird sensation, Yainei began to rouse himself, giving a grumpy growl. He never did like waking up…wait, I fell asleep…?

The petting abruptly stopped at the noise. The beast rose his head, glancing about nervously. He was resting on what appeared to be two twin beds from an infirmary pulled together to make one resting platform. The sickly scent of ill patients clouded the air and overwhelmed him. The walls were of a pale sea-green, yet it did nothing to calm his tensions.

Finally, his eyes fell upon the girl whom had withdrawn her hand at his nervous growl. Perplexity was spread about her face. There was no fear on it, though. She showed no sign of running away. Yainei tilted his head, attempting to look friendly, that he was just confused of what was going on. Immediately Diana giggled, yet she was stopped by a brief coughing fit. Yainei struggled to get to his feet, and at that he winced; tight bandages preventing further bleeding of his paws and legs dug into his wounds. Once again those little fingers combed through his fur, but the action was frantic and rough instead of smooth and loving.

“I…I’m okay, Entei…so long as I’m with you,” she weakly muttered, climbing onto the bed beside the fire type. The young lady snuggled deep into his fur. Her coughs were suppressed slowly as she relaxed again. Watching carefully, he made sure she was alright before he, too, calmed down.

At last, behind the veil of sleep came the memories of before his slumber. He had dashed with all his might, racing along the south-west wind like he never had before. The metal cuffs dug further into his paws, but he didn’t, no, couldn’t stop running. Not until she was safe. Various twigs, stones and pavement cut into the thick pads of his paws. His breath, ironically, was lost on the trip as the factors took their toll on his body. When he reached there, not even a half-hour later, he was worn, covered in foliage, and everything twisted to black as he leapt to the single house overlooking the bay.

Yainei’s memory and reality met as the doctor entered the room. With a stethoscope hanging around his neck like a fancy piece of jewelry and beady eyes that didn’t miss a detail, he strolled in with an unusual limp.

“Ah, you’re both up, I see.” He spoke in an unusually high tone for a man his age. “Miss Diana, how are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m okay…I think it was just a little spell, Doctor Wachinko,” she forced a smile. At once the legendary dog could tell that she was feigning her words. “I’m sure I’ll be fine…”

“Your examination seems to prove otherwise, though, most unfortunately,” Dr. Wachinko furrowed his brow. The smile started to disappear from the girl’s face. “If this Pokemon hadn’t brought you here so quickly, there might have been irreversible damage done…”

Her smile was gone completely. Concern was raising in Yainei’s eyes as he glanced over.

“Fortunately,” he hastily added, “He did bring you here on time! Poor fellow, too. How’re you doing, pup? You gonna survive?”

The Entei sneezed at that. A small chuckle escaped Diana. The smile was back, and pure this time.

“Haha, good, ol’ sport. Just be sure not to do anything as reckless as that again for a couple of days, and I think your paws and wounds will heal just fine. I couldn’t take off those horrible manacles to really treat the cuts beneath them, though. Nasty things. Be very careful not to open those up again.”

Slowly, he grunted. Horrible indeed. If only I could take them off. Seems like a fitting time to take em off. A wry little smile crossed the doctor’s face.

“You’re…gonna be fine, right Entei? Because I’d be really upset at you if you weren’t gonna be fine,” Diana pouted as she dug through his fur playfully. Like a puppy, he barked back to show he was perfectly okay. Again, she laughed, but the horrid coughing returned. Wachinko rushed over. Through a bizarre massage to her back, her upheavals ended. At once he began listening to her chest. An eerie chill climbed up and down the fire type’s back that made his fur rustle. The doctor removed the stethoscope. It was he this time to put on a façade.

“Ah, you’ll be okay, missy. You just need to take it easy, and try not to laugh too much. I’m prescribing you a new herbal medication for that nasty junk in your lungs, alright? When is that old man going to-”

The sound of knocking on the front door caused the doctor to lose his train of thought. “Ah, at last. Sure did take their sweet old time,” he grumbled. “I’ll be right back, hun. Gotta slap some sense into that geezer for you.”

“Uh-huh,” she nodded with a small, polite smirk. As soon as he had limped his way out of the room, she turned to her new friend. “Well, he’s gone. It’s okay to talk, now.”

He nodded his head a little uncertainly. A sense of his stomach churning and folding in on itself overcame him like a slow Toxic that would only grow worse.

“Well, um…hi! My name’s Diana. Diana LaRoss,” she giggled at that, holding out her hand. Nodding his head, he barked playfully.

“…For heaven’s sake, that scared me. She in there? Are you going to let me see her, you old coot?” Mr. William raged from afar. The duo turned their head away from each other to the door.

“I guess I have no choice.” At that last note, the butler, accompanied still by the Machamp Bruce, poked his head around the corner. Diana waved gently.

“My lady, are you alright?” He rushed over, though remained at a safe distance.

“Mmm, yes, Mr. William. Entei made sure of that. What took you so long? I’ve been up more than an hour now!” she whined.

“We had car troubles. Apparently that doctor of yours was a real crook and had some mischievous friends,” he hissed with malice. “We will most definitely see him in court, for those charges and for endangering your precious health…”

“Whenever you’re done sounding rich and important, old man,” Wachinko laughed as William spun around. “I’m going to try a new antibiotic for those nasty…mucus glands in her lungs.” His eyes fell on Yainei. There was something missing from his eyes that made the chill in the air worse.

“Whatever you think will work, old friend,” he nodded. “Diana, are you well enough to walk?”

“I think I will be. Can I go with Brucey?”

“Of course.” He grinned, his age showing through. A simple tilt of his head ordered the muscle Pokemon at once to go to her side and help her up and out. As she left, dressed in a medical gown, she gave another smile. It was fleeting, and had a hint of sadness to it. The stomach churning worsened. The footsteps died off as they entered another room.

“Entei.” The beast turned his head to the wearied man. “I have to thank you for saving Lady Diana. Every moment with her is precious to us.”

It is the least I could have done.” Yainei hesitated briefly. “…What is it you’re not telling me?”

“Sharp and to the point I see. Don’t lose that quality, my boy.

“Diana…she caught tuberculosis.”

The words sliced through the air. The vacuum left Yainei unable to breathe for a moment. The truth sunk deep into his heart.

Even William sounded like he was choking on the bitter words.

“She and her parents grew up where you delivered her and Felix to us at first. It’s a small farmer community, but under her parent’s careful diplomacy and taxing of the land they owned, they were rarely criticized by the town. Granted, they weren’t perfect people. The two of them would always break into arguments, but never when Diana was around. That’s beside the point.

“Tension was rising in the house, and both the lady and the master agreed to go on vacation to clear their minds of all stress and troubles, at least for the week. Diana accompanied them, but not me. I do wish I had gone. I might have been able to do something. At least, I tell myself that. I know that the truth is if I had gone, we might be in even more trouble now.”

He paused, gathering his wits. The hollow void was still growing beneath the legendary Pokemon’s chest plate.

“They went afar to the boundaries of our fair region, near the region known as Orre. I’m…not sure how it happened. Master LaRoss never told me what did happen, but the three of them became ill with TB. Worked hard by stress and tension between the two, the elder Lady LaRoss died first. Torn by grief of the mistakes he had made and the loss of the love of his life, Master LaRoss died not much later than she. That was not too long ago.

“And poor, poor Diana…I fear for her so much…” At last, his composition cracked. “She’s only a child. She had…has her entire life ahead of her. I know her. I’ve been her sole companion for all of her years. I know she’s so torn about her parent’s death, but being the sole heiress of the estate, she keeps on making the strong and proud choices for the LaRoss family. Even she has her limits, though…the sickness is starting to really take its toll on her health. The medication to take care of her tubercles in her lungs isn’t working.”

Another long silence.

“How long does she have?” Yainei finally questioned.

“Not even until the end of the growing season, they say,” William quietly returned.

“Does she know?”

“We never told her. She’s a smart girl, though. I think she knows…and has already accepted her fate.”

“Mr. William? Who are you talking to?”

Both the dog and the servant turned. Dressed properly and with Bruce carefully watching over her, Diana stood at the door. Her eyes gleamed mischievously.

“Ah, talking to Entei, my lady. How is that medication treating you?”

“It’s almost like it’s not even there! I feel so much better,” she beamed hopefully. “But I heard another man’s voice, here. Are you telling me Entei knows how to talk to humans?!”

“Er, well, you see about that,” he stuttered. Yainei tilted his head. He knew he was to avoid talking to humans if possible, but for such a good-hearted family…? What was the harm?

“So, you do talk to us humans, Entei! You just keep getting more awesome by the minute! You’re a true legendary, like they say!” Diana gleamed, and tugged at one of Bruce’s arms. At once the fighting type picked her up and carried over. “We’re going to have to talk all the way home, you know that?”

“Home? Lady Diana, be sensible here! Entei is very tired and weak. He probably wants to go home,” William gave a disapproving eye the Pokemon’s way.

“Do you know that for sure that’s what Entei wants?” The girl narrowed her eyes a little as she reached the bedside. William bowed his head, backing away slowly. A certain look of guilt clouded his vision.

“Okay,” Yainei blurted out. He was taken aback by his own uncharacteristic spill. Diana’s eyes shone powerfully like the moon goddess she was named for. William turned back briefly to give a disapproving glare.

“Wow, really?! Really?!” she nearly yelled, unable to contain her excitement. If it wasn’t for Bruce holding onto her, she would have leapt from his arms onto the beast. “Yay! I can’t believe it! Entei! You’ll be staying with me! Hooray!”

“Lady Diana…have you even the rational mind to consider that he will not fit in the car with us?” the butler queried in a low voice. “Not to mention having a wild, legendary Pokemon with us could be catastrophic to the house.”

Disdainfully, the dog howled. Treating me like a mangy old mutt now, old man?

“Mr. William! I order you to curb your tongue about Entei! How dare you insult him like that?! He saved my life! I want to repay the favor by making him my guest. And, if he does make any trouble, Heaven forbid he does so by accident, I will take responsibility for my actions and personally clean up after him!”

Great, another one treating me like a domesticated house pet.

“Now, that’s hardly fair, Lady Diana. You’re in no shape to.”

“I will stay outside in the garden if you wish me to,” Yainei grudgingly offered.

“Nonsense! You’d be by my side for your stay. You’d be a guest, I assure you! We wouldn’t lock you out. Now, Mr. William…” Diana turned to the aging man. He glumly looked up, unable to retort. “Isn’t there a company you can call that will be able to fit Entei in a car somewhere nearby?”

“…I’ll look into it, my lady.” Once again he bowed his head, and left the room. Triumphantly Diana’s grin grew larger. She proudly gazed down to the Entei. “Well, looks like you’ll be a member of the LaRoss family for a little, huh? Aren’t you going to be polite and introduce yourself to me given that? Or are you just gonna pretend you’re a big doggy and sneeze again?”

“I am a big dog,” he curtly remarked.

“Haha, you’re so rude and blunt! You kinda remind me a little bit of Mr. William and Dad in that sense.” The Pokemon twitched at that, yet Diana stood proud. How…how can she be so…calm about her father’s death like this? “Come on, Mr. Doggy! Humor me.”

“Very well,” the masked beast bowed his head. “…pleasure to make your acquaintance, Ms. LaRoss. I am Yainei, the Entei.”

“…Yainei? You have a real name? Not Entei?”

“Yainei was my name before I was Entei.”

“Before you were Entei? You mean you weren’t always an Entei? I’m confused now…” the girl pouted. “You have to explain all of this to me on the way home.”

“To me, as well,” Mr. William added as he returned. Both Diana and Yainei jumped.

“Mr. William, knock when there is a civil conversation going on before you interrupt like that!”

“I apologize, my lady,” he grumbled, bowing his head. “But the driver will be here shortly.”

“Oh, okay. Thank you.” Those golden-emerald eyes that held so much life locked on the fire beast. “…shall we go, Yainei?”

“…yes,” he dipped his head, though every inch of his body wished to run off and never look into those eyes again.

* * *

“My name was Yainei. I lived on the corner of Johto, and I was the Gym Leader for Cinnabar a long time ago. I was human, much as you and William are. And I was a pompous, arrogant fool that thought he had all the smart and witty answers for most of the problems in my life. That is beside the point. As a Gym Leader, I had to have a strong sense of justice. It was a requirement during my time…the Dark Ages. It wasn’t long before I met my companions, Saichuna and Raitzi. Those two were Gym Leaders just like myself, and just as strong as me, if not stronger. The three of us were often assigned field missions together, because back then, the Gym Leaders were the police. It wasn’t long before we were all close.

“One day, there was rumor of a black magic group extorting unsafe mining practices from gold hunters in the side of Mt. Silver. We had heard from Saffron’s profit and mother to the Gym Leader there that several thousand lives would be lost if an explosion was allowed to occur further there. At the time, dynamite was used to clear large holes in dead soil so that people could get further into the mountain. Somewhere down the line they made a dangerous switch to using- and harming- wild Voltorb along the way, so we went at once to investigate. A storm was brewing in the southwest.

“We arrived just in time. An explosion went off as we headed into the cave. Literally hundreds of workers were trapped inside the cave, and several more were at the base of the mountain, which was prone to rock slides when there were dangerous earthquakes. Using our strengths, we dug as many people out as we could and chaperoned them out of harms way. Saichuna made sure folks were far from landslide areas. Raitzi went deep into the depths of the cave, into suffocating depths, searching for any unconscious victims. And I was taking care of the black magic group, making sure they were secured for transport after the evacuation was complete.

“But something went wrong…horribly wrong. Just as I was tying the last of the men up, it began to rain. The earth trembled gently. Something felt disastrous. I rushed inside, Saichuna following. Raitzi had been down there too long. We found him unconscious near the deceased singing birds they cruelly used to tell if the mines were flooding with poisonous gases. The storm raged on worse outside. Just as we were nearing the light, a bolt of electricity jolted down from the sky, striking the mountainside as if to spite us. An earthquake and various sparks from falling rocks caused the methane leaking from the bowels of the mine to catch on fire and spread on the wooden supports. The mountainside unleashed a barrage of heavy boulders that crashed down at the exits.

“The light died. That’s the last thing I remembered, even as the fire drew nearer to us.

“I heard later that only sixteen people died in the accident. Raitzi, Saichuna and myself were in the body count. How…odd it is for me to say that, but it is how it is. I died from the poisonous smoke and from a broken arm. Raitzi, too, suffocated and was crushed by falling rocks the lightning bolt caused on impact. Saichuna never told me how she died. I don’t think she handled the truth too well.

“I remember being tied to my body in that dark, dank and dangerous place. I heard not the roar of the fire behind us, growing closer to our bodies, but the sad wails from all of the would-be victims. All I could hear was my name. My other two companions said all they could hear were their names, so I’m assuming it was somewhat of a spiritual thing to only be able to hear something that concerned you.

“The fire got close. It didn’t burn. And then the entire cave collapsed in on itself.

“I remember a ray of light breaking through the clouds. A beautiful form descended from the storm, turning the tears of sorrow from the sky into something radiant. Apparently the people prayed so hard for our safe return that they called down the massive bird from Heaven itself. Our spirits were broken from our tangled bodies and dug out just by the sad and compassionate gaze of the golden bird.

“The bird, Hisui, talked to us after speaking with the miners and other folks. Their wishes for us to live gave her enough strength to bring us back to life, but she said we’d have to be of her life essence as a Pokemon. As we all agreed, unable to rest with our tragic ends, she carved us new bodies with holy fire from the very rocks that killed us. Ironically symbolic, in a way…

“Our souls then drifted into each of the provided bodies. Mine was of the element I commanded as a Gym Leader- fire. She used the remaining fire of the mine to ensure I’d never suffer the pain of it again, nor would I suffocate from the poisonous smoke again. Raitzi was granted immunity to the chaotic lightning that ultimately ended his life…our lives. And Saichuna was granted the power of the rain and wind that drove the last bits of the fire down. Suiting, really, for her.

“We lived in our stone bodies for a time, unmoving, always watching, until finally a good soul came. He touched all of us on the head. He asked, why are such beautiful statues so uncared for? His kindness in restoring our dusty bodies caused the curse on our prisons to end.

“…I remember next waking up on Mt. Phoenix, with little memory of what had happened that day on Mt. Silver. All I remember was the fire…and what comfort it gave me. From then on I lived on the mountain, experimenting with my powers from time to time. It seems, like my other comrades, I was given the power of speed, which we did not have enough of to escape the calamity of the mines, as well as the power of volcanoes and of physical strength. People would occasionally visit, but they would never be able to stay long enough to try anything. They always knew their limits, until I saw you, Diana. And that is my story."


The drive back had been an uneventful one, with the dog explaining his story as they headed back to the LaRoss estate. As countryside slowly passed by, it was not William who took grave interest in the story, but Diana. Her eyes remained perfectly focused on him, as though she’d lose a word if she dared to look away for a split second. She said nothing, even after he had long since finished. The somewhat awkward silence was only broken by the sound of the large limousine shifting gears and the shocks kicking in as they rolled over the uneven roads.

“I must say, that is far different from the tales we have heard about you,” William coughed gently, shattering the human silence. The beast took his eyes off the young lady and turned his attention to the butler. “Isn’t that right, Lady Diana?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. I heard that it was three Pokemon that died in the mine collapse…” she absently nodded her head. Her normal vivacity seemed to have calmed when they entered the car.

“Not to mention I’ve never heard of you and your two other Gym Leader friends. Surely if you were so great I would have heard of you…?”

“This was nearly two-hundred and fifty years ago that the accident,” the Entei chuckled. Both of their eyes lit up as he spoke. Now who’s the old man…?

“What?! That’s preposterous!” William leaned forward, brow unable to decide on being furrowed or pulled back in surprise.

“Wow Yainei! You’re old!” Diana had to attempt to control her giggles.

“Our bodies were sealed for a little more than a century so they could heal properly. And I have been living like a young adult wolf up to now. If I was to put myself in normal human years, I’d say it feels like I’m barely hitting my late teens,” Yainei barked playfully.

“But what I’d like to know is…how?”

“Hisui informed me that for every ten years I lived in my past life, I would age that much in a hundred years. I was thirty-seven when I died, which means I won’t be reaching my limit for a while.”

“Limit?” Diana questioned in a peculiar tone of voice.

“Ma’am, we have arrived at your estate,” the driver coolly interrupted. The party gazed out the window. Sure enough to the man’s words, the small mansion stood before them.

“Oh, home…well, we best get washed up and the like.”

“Why, I do believe that is the first time you have suggested such a thing yourself, Lady Diana,” William chortled.

“S-shush!” Diana furiously flailed her arms at the man. Yainei guiltily gazed off into the distance. The topic of death always made him shiver in displeasure.
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (2/3)

A cliffhung ending, but I can't really complain.

I have nothing to say for you to improve on the tragic style. This is due to two things:
- I fail at tragedies.
- You're building enough momentum. All you need to do is hit the home run and let it come crashing down.

All I can say is, good luck with the last part; the tragedy's strongest point is the finale. Make it a great one.
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (2/3)

Cliffhung? As in a cliffhanger ending, or just stopped too suddenly? and hopefully it crashes and...no pun intended, burnnnnnsss.

I'll post in a few more days for dramatic effect. I don't want to feel rushed into it, given there's only three parts. So other comments plz. |3
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (2/3)

It stopped suddenly, but not TOO suddenly... so.... yeah. x3

I do love how your dialogue make the characters seem so alive, each one with a distinct tone, allowing the tale be much more realistic. To be honest, I can't really say much for you to improve on; you've got all the basics down! It's just a matter of writing more to further develop your style of writing (although I must say, you already have quite a great one). I enjoy reading this piece, and I can't wait for the last part. =D
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (2/3)

I've been meaning to read this, I swear.

I want so bad to be able to write this well. Even if there are random errors, your skill is leagues above my own.

That said, you should read my story. :>
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (2/3)

Zyflair: The perfectionist in me is screeching for me to edit that now that you mention it. So I may have to after I post up the third part, along with the first part ;D
And I think you nailed that head. I don't wanna sound egotistical in that sense, but I've had a lot of people that say I'm really good at dialogue. So HOPEFULLY IT IS GOOD?! Or something. All I know is I have a lot of it, all the time. And I really try and convey the movie in my head down onto the paper. So....yeah. :3 Thanksee!

PMJ: I was like, where is teh PMJ? ;; I saw you peekin' at this thread a few times without commenting and it made me saaaaaaaaaad.
And pshh, I know several other people that can write better than me. Kiyo, for one, is like...amazing ASDF.
Since you asked so politely I shall be happy to tea-er, read and critique your fic. It'll take a good while, because I don't have that much time to read all of that massiveness.

I think, given I have the time, I'll post it up either tonight or sometime Tues-Fri. I can't guarantee it though, because I have the ASDFing 11-6 shift at work those 4 days in a row and holy toledo I'm EXHAUSTED by the end of that shift. D: Maybe tonight because my mom seems intent on throwing out my entire room if I don't clean it in addition to not letting me on the computer. So...yeah. We'll see. :X
 
RE: Blazing Trail- 3S (2/3)

Boo, at this rate I'm not gunna be able to get back online for the next few days, and I think it's been long enough, sooooo here we go!

Um, here's the 'finale', so to say, of this piece. It ended up going a little longer than I would have liked, especially with the last part, but whatevs. I'm SO ridiculously in an RQO mood it's not even FUNNY. But alas, first comes ES and reading/proofreading some other stories here. And getting a poster done for the 26th so I can display my artwork on my wall and fall asleep soundly having all my crazy characters watching over me. :3

Anyways, again, comments on the tradegy element only. I'll be updating the last big part of this, the editing of all three posts, later, and then I'll gladly take your comments. >D

So, uh, hopefully I'm not the only one that bawled their eyes out when reading this. Hopefully.

==============================

Time normally flew for Yainei, yet his time with Diana seemed like forever. A ticking time bomb was resting within both of their bodies, and he knew it was just a matter of a few short months, the end of October, before the sick girl’s bomb would explode.

Still, though, shamelessly he allowed himself to be combed, shampooed and decorated in the magnificent tub filled with steaming water.

The experience, given his type, went against every inch of his physical body. He spiritually couldn’t enjoy the pampering enough. It had been literally centuries since he had last bathed.

“Yainei, you still stink like sulfur something awful,” Diana pinched her nose as she threw another empty soap bottle behind her. If the Entei had a chance, he would do the same from the sheer overpowering scents floating in the air. He felt nearly dizzy from the vanilla, lavender and melon smells.

“I live on a volcano, it’s going to happen. Not to mention my body is not fond of this water. At all.” A loud sneeze came from his mouth. Various bubbles flew out of the water. He felt pathetic, dripping wet and unable to clean himself properly.

“Yeah, you’re a fire type, huh? I bet that would deter you. …Felix hates the water too, but for personal preference, I think,” the girl muttered darkly as she shot her eyes back. The legendary Pokemon, too, glanced to the doorway of the room.

Felix, cleaning himself daintily, would occasionally glare right back at them. Every time Diana tried to pick him up, he hissed and bore teeth. “Sorry, but I do not do water. I do not swim. I do not need to swim, and thusly you can just keep it to your fine and dandy self. To your new pet, too,” he muttered.

“Oh, bah humbug to you too. Yainei has elemental weakness to water, you big ol’ pussycat.” The heiress sighed heavily, swiping at her brow. Her breathing was labored, and even though the medication Wachinko gave her seemed to be doing its job, she still struggled on the humid air.

“Are you alright?” the dog questioned.

“Hmm? Yeah, fine,” she lied, and attempted to scratch his massive head. Even as he leaned, it wasn’t enough. Her arm hit the water with a sploosh as she slipped forward. Disgruntled, she blew a loose strand of hair out of her face. “…okay, that does it. I’m getting you clean no matter what it takes.”

“Er, Diana…Diana?!”

If it was possible for the dog to blush, he would have. Diana was busily attempting to get into more suitable bathing conditions in front of him.

“No, what are you-”

“What’s the matter? I told you, I’m gonna get you clean-”

“Really, it isn’t necessary! This is very, very unlady-like of you, and honestly I do not think William would approve of this…” he stammered. His heart had never made the full conversion to Pokemon apathy towards modesty.

“Oh, please. He washes me most of the time, so I don’t think he’d care. …are you trying to lecture me, Mr. Yainei?”

He refused to look her way.

“Hmm?”

He shut his eyes and wished to Hisui that he could escape from the watery mass. He was in an uncomfortable position, sitting upon his paws, and he didn’t wish to completely ruin the bathroom by emerging so suddenly from the water.

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“That is an order.”

“I am a wild Pokemon. You cannot order me to do anything!”

“You’re not getting outta that tub until you let me finish cleaning you.”

“I’ll pull the drain.”

“Sure you will.”

He hesitated. She knew he was bluffing. The drain was a tiny little plug hidden beneath the water’s surface…four feet under. And if there was one thing his body could override his spirit on, it was most definitely water in his face.

“I’ll just get out the traditional way.”

“I’ll cry.”

And that broke Yainei’s will very sharply. He attempted for words, but none came. He cursed his inability to make any comeback.

“…come on, Yainei. Why won’t you look at me?”

“…because I believe it’s indecent, given the factors.”

“What factors would that be, Mr. Pokemon?”

He growled gently at that. Memories flooded his mind. His wife was the strongest of them all. His one and only ever, married when they were young. The only other one he ever saw naked was his daughter, the life he helped create. To expose oneself to someone else you loved, that was in itself a sacred right belonging to family only.

“I’m still human at heart, you know,” he softly allowed himself. “I’ve barely known you a day now. You should…save that for someone you really love and trust.”

Diana hesitated. Even as the words sunk in, and the Entei felt as though he hit home with his sentiments, he daren’t look. That girl was a wildcard in intelligence.

“Well, I do really love and trust you, Yainei.”

He froze dangerously at the words.

“And you sound too much like my father in your naggings. Stop that, you silly ol’ dog.”

The next thing that happened was the water rising in level as she slipped in. On instinct, he whipped his head around. He felt incredible heat almost piercing through his mask. Diana had submerged herself, and was gently swimming through the deep pool towards his back.

“Diana!” he gasped, then looked away, whimpering. His eyes fell on Felix, who in turn glared back. “Do something! She’s your owner!”

Calmly, he simply rubbed over one of his large ears and swished his tail, annoyed. “Will you shut it, brute? There’s nothing wrong. You’re a Pokemon. Act like one. Act like the little pet you are now.”

He was about to retort until every inch of him shuddered. Water poured down his back as Diana attempted to get to his cloud-like fur. He howled quietly.

“You big baby! Hup we go!” she muttered. He felt her clambering up to scrub the fur. “I know it doesn’t hurt you!”

“You’re so terribly wrong,” he groaned. Still, her delicate fingers got to work, scrubbing every inch of him. The minutes felt like days.

* * *​

Fur gleaming like polished brown marble, Yainei collapsed on the rug of Diana’s room. Like it or not, his body could not stand the ordeals of the day and he was tired. Tired is an understatement, he thought pitifully to himself as he opened his maw wide to yawn.

“There, now we have a prim, proper and full guest!” Diana gleamed as she pulled her nightgown on and walked over to the beast. He already had his eyes closed. “…and a sleepy one, too. Aren’t you cold on the floor?”

“It’s fine,” he managed.

“You should sleep on my bed. It’s plenty big!”

“I’d crush you. I’m a rough sleeper.” In all honesty, though, Yainei had to wonder about the truth of that sentence. At the least, he once was a rough sleeper. When not having intimate moments, he’d be forced to sleep elsewhere in order not to kick his poor wife. However, he had no bed sheets, sleeping mates or spectators other than Pokemon to verify if old habits didn’t die.

“Well, you’re no fun,” she pouted in her voice, and he could hear her softly walking to her bedside. “Come on, Felix. Out of my bed spot.”

“Mmmm, so warm and comfy,” he teased. The Entei made out the sounds of stretching paws and their matching claws as they sunk into the comforter.

“Feeelix. Oh, you silly cat. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

At this, Yainei rose his head and looked over his shoulder. This was good enough to muster up the energy for.

Diana climbed over the cat, and tried to shove him. The lazy Meowth gave a small ‘Mmph’ and declined her invitation to move. Frustrated and determined, she resituated herself at the foot of the bed and shoved her feet underneath the covers beneath him. Still no response. Rolling her eyes at the massive beast, she sunk deeper into the covers. Her knees positioned beneath him, she constantly bumped him up and down with use of her hips.

“Okay, okay! I get the point!” he growled, leaping off the bedside in frustration. Diana offered a small giggle, but her attention was taken away from the grumpy cat, tail aloof in the air he meandered towards the door, to the knock at the entranceway.

“Come in,” she piped up. William soon pushed inwards with his back, a plate in his hands. Various bottles of medication made the single glass of warm milk stand out.

Once again, the time bomb reminded the Entei of its presence.

“Oh, not that nasty stuff again…” Diana pouted.

“Yes, this nasty stuff. You want to get better from this cold, don’t you?”

“Yes, Mr. William…” She flopped back into her pillow with a cough.

“Just because you’re feeling better from the medicine that old loony gave you doesn’t mean that you are better. You have to keep taking it to get better completely.”

“Yes, Mr. William,” she mockingly droned.

“Are you going to sit up now?”

“Yes, Mr. William.”

“I’m waiting. The quicker we get this done, the better you’ll be…”

“Okayyyy,” she scornfully whined, sitting up. Yainei looked away. He couldn’t bear to watch. Tick…tick…tick.

* * *

“Hey. All-Mighty Doggie. I know you’re awake.”

The fire type forced his wearied eyes open. An eerie shade of blue covered the room. Diana was neatly tucked in under a light comforter, propped up by hundreds of pillows. Her head dipped occasionally in her dreams as a weak cough slipped past her lips.

Resting at his feet was the Meowth. The creature’s tail slammed against the hardwood, agitated. His disposition was different from his body motions.

“…come with me.”

“What…what’s going on?”

“You’ll see. Just follow me.”

With that, Felix leapt to the window post. A pleasantly cool August breeze was blowing in. He dipped out of sight immediately thereafter.

Reluctant to get up, he rose to his feet. It had been a bit more than a week since he had come to the LaRoss estate. The cat had nothing for contempt for the beast, jealous that he now was getting all of the attention. Yet there was something to be said for him confronting Yainei about it.

With one smooth motion as the curtains parted, he leapt through the wide opening. Wind rushed through his fur as he fell so slowly. The pavement below took forever to reach. Yet soon enough, his paws touched down, cushioning his fall beautifully, as though he was a cat instead.

The metal cuffs dug into his fur again. The wounds below had not healed completely still. The scabs threatened to tear off with every step he took. Are these cuffs shrinking…? Regardless of his thought, his amber eyes traced through the darkness.

Green flickered off the reflective eyes of the Meowth. Silently, he wandered off, towards the garden. Yainei followed silently, making every step a cautious one. He feared one wrong move would make everyone in the house wake up. Such a thought was preposterous, he decided, but the stillness was so overwhelming he still worried about it.

Beautiful tree sculptures and legendary Pokemon dotted the garden. The soothing sound of the large marble fountain in the main courtyard was inexistent; it had been shut off for the night, like every night. Still Felix pattered on, down the path Diana always seemed to avoid at tea time.

“Diana’s never taken you down here.”

Yainei shook his head. He was trapped by her side every second of every day.

“There’s ample reason.”

The path took to towering shrubbery. A darker feel took to the air as they crossed beneath a unimpressive wooden gate. The path stretched on, green deepening in color. After the two reached a corner, the form of Bruce presented himself. He stared at the two.

“You aren’t supposed to be here,” he warned.

“He needs to see it. Please, Bruce.”

The muscular Pokemon dipped his head, and shuffled past the company in the narrow earthy corridor. His red, solemn eyes fell on the legendary.

“Be careful,” he warned, and turned his back to the front.

Yainei’s gut sunk low at the only words the Machamp ever spoke to him, yet he still turned the corner with the Meowth leading.

Gravestones dotted the new, barren scenery. The cold whispers of the not-so-peaceful chilled the Entei. It felt he was walking into the mine a few days before its collapse. Felix still walked onwards, unafraid. If his fur was of a darker shade, he would blend in nefariously well with the scenery.

He hesitated at three gravestones. He bowed his head low, before gazing back. Feeling the presence around him almost watching him, Yainei made his way over.

The graves were neatly taken care of, fresh flowers placed within a vase. The scent of William lingered among the roses’ natural perfume. It was extremely easy to make out the names of Julian LaRoss and Felicia LaRoss on the polished rock.

“United in life, united in death. May Heaven make their souls happy for their countless good deeds. Rest in eternal piece,” Felix awkwardly began. Yainei’s heart throbbed as he gazed at the cat. The feline’s eyes were locked on the moon.

“I was given to Diana as a Christmas present, as a little kitten, when she was just three. She was so happy, and I too was happy. Her parents, even though I never really got too attached to her father, appreciated me. Without a doubt, I was her companion. And I knew that. I thought I was invincible in that sense.

“They came back that day, after they had been…exposed to whatever human disease they had. There was something different in their eyes. I noticed it. The other Pokemon remained clueless. When Felicia’s health began declining, I tried to go to her bedside to comfort her. She turned me away, instead pointing towards Diana. I think she wanted me to stay by her side for as long as she lived, and as long as I did. I couldn’t bear to see Felicia die.

“And then Julian, he too started to fatigue. The man had brought me to this family. I attempted to remain at his bedside as well, but he shunned me away as well. He told me in the only English I have ever fully understood thus far, ‘Take care of my daughter. I got you for her. Guard her and make her happy until she dies.’

“Thus, I have…but my body can’t stand much more of this, either. It is only the fact that Diana’s still alive and responding well to the treatment that doctor on the coast is giving her that keeps me going. I really love that girl, Yainei. I really love her, even more than the people that brought me into their loving household.

“I haven’t been able to keep my promise to her father. After he passed, she began to escape wherever she could to get rid of the emotional pain, even if that meant allowing the disease to really take its hold. She heard rumor of a magnificent dog able to grant life at the top of Mt. Phoenix, the place it was reborn and lived eternally. She heard how one breath from the beast, and you would be cured of any disease. There were even rumors that because the beast was reborn, it could commune with the dead. Of course, these were all rumors, but Diana…she began to cling onto them as some sort of hope that she would know her parents were fine in Heaven, and that she could continue living without them. She’s so strong in that sense…

“I know you have none of those powers. Yet, still, you are able to give her hope. You’re giving me hope. She may even survive now. Being with you seems to make her truly happy. Emotional strength is a dangerous tool, but I know it can be used properly. Now I know.

“Please…just keep giving her love and happiness, Yainei,” the Meowth finally turned to him. His face was so expressionless, it allowed every inch of sorrow and hope to escape through his large eyes. “I can’t do that any more for her. Please…I know I haven’t been that good to you, and I have no right to beg, but for Diana’s sake…make her better. Please…don’t let her have her place beside them in this untouched earth yet. Else, I will be on her deathbed, as well.”

The Entei, stomach churning, allowed his eyes to fall on the vacant ground before him. The earth had been plotted out within the last few months. The gravestone was blank, but all he could see carved into the pristine surface was the name ‘Diana LaRoss’.

* * *

“That is an outrageous and dangerous idea, Lady Diana!” William bellowed throughout the dining hall. The girl winced back as she allowed the spoon to fall from her hand into her soup. Yainei, thoroughly distracted from his meal of freshly cooked Magikarp, frowned at the idea as well.

“Oh, I don’t see the harm, Mr. William! I think I’m finally cured of that horrible thing!” She swatted her napkin at him. “What harm can some fresh air do anyways?”

“The season’s getting later, Lady Diana. An unnatural chill is forecasted for the end of the season. The people need you here. You can’t be careening off to dangerous lands, especially not when ill! You may feel better but what if it’s just gone for a week?”

“You can take care of things while I’m gone!” she hissed back. “You make all the advisories for what I should do, anyway. And I told you, I feel a lot better! Besides, I’ll be with Yainei and Felix…”

The chestnut eyes fell on the beast. He gazed deep back into them. Though her smile was genuine, her eyes were not. Her eyes were tired and had lost their magic glimmer. Dark circles began to enclose on her pale face. “You are coming, aren’t you?”

“I don’t advise too well of it myself,” he began slowly. Silverware clattered against the plate and bowl. He winced as Diana tossed her napkin onto the table. She curtly excused herself from the table.

“And where do you think you’re going without supper, young lady?” William took to a dangerous tone, pacing quickly to her side like a condemning father.

“I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Oh, what a load of bull! I know you well, Diana Cathryn LaRoss!” he began raising his voice and following her as she attempted to leave. “Your father, rest his soul, wanted me to take the best of care of you and this is how you treat me?!”

“Stop trying to be him, William!” she spat back. “I know what my body needs, and I know it’s doing better! It needs freedom to survive, else I’m just going to suffocate and die in this horrible sick atmosphere! You won’t even touch me, you’re so afraid that I’ll contaminate you!”

“All of your doctors agree, Diana-”

“Agree about what?” The girl’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “That I’m some contaminated specimen? That I’m filthy rich and they care nothing for my health except Wachinko, may he stay ever so healthy the good man? For what happens to me? That I’m some random child they’ll never see again when I get older, so ooooh, what’s the problem about giving her thirty antibiotics to take each day?!” They had now reached the door. Even though they were yards away, their voices continued to get louder.

“You’re being a terribly spoiled, hard-headed child!”

“Well, bad children go to bed without dinner, don’t they?” She grabbed the door handle.

“Diana, don’t you do this-”

SLAM! The door’s sound made the butler freeze up as footsteps hastily carried themselves away from the dining hall. He stood there, rage still flying through his eyes, before he sighed. His eyes darted to the Entei, off to some indistinct point off in the distance, and back to the beast.

“Please go talk some sense into that girl,” he whispered, before leaving through the kitchen door. A dire sense of sorrow filled his eyes. The legendary got to his feet, and within what seemed to be seconds he was at her door. The metal cuffs dug into him harder. He forced his head inside her room.

She was quietly resting upon her mass of pillows. Felix howled as he struggled to get her mind off what had just happened. Yainei proceeded in as the light fell.

“Go away,” she whispered horribly.

“…no,” he calmly responded.

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“That’s too bad, because we will talk.”

“Stop trying to be my father too.” The Meowth sadly eyed the Entei. Silently he nodded, walking up to her. “You have no right to tell me what’s good for me or not.”

“You’re right.” She didn’t move, but Yainei knew he had her attention. “But whether you like it or not, you are not any better. You may not cough in the daytime, but at night you don’t get two hours sleep. You’re in no condition to go on any trip-”

“Stop,” she choked out. Her voice changed. “I know I can’t…I know I’m going to die. I know I’m going to die soon like Mom and Dad did…”

Stunned silence. Tick. Tick. Tick.

“I know I will,” Diana weakly continued. “I knew ever since we got back from that trip. Everything dies at some time or another. I’m just sick of living in pain.”

Yainei said nothing. She began coughing.

“I just…I just wanted to do one last thing, before I died. I…I’ve never seen snow, given how we live so close to a volcano. That’s all.”

More coughing. There was red on the pillows now.

“…Yainei…? I’m not afraid to die. So please don’t cry.”

“I’m not,” he oddly managed.

“You beast, haha-kaahk!” Her entire body shuddered violently as more blood leaked from her mouth. He inched closer. It was getting darker by the minute in the room. Clouds were rolling in over the just rising crescent moon.

“Don’t strain yourself,” the fire type threatened, but for what did he have to threaten her with?

“I’m not…I’ll…kachk! …be fine. I have to. I know you can’t make me better physically, but you’ve given me so much back emotionally, Yainei. …can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“What was it like…to die?”

He stopped breathing.

Tick. Tick-tick. Tick.

“I wish I could put it into words for you.”

“What did you mean, by limit, that day…?”

Again, he froze. His heart threatened to stop beating. Throat squeezing tighter, he recalled the words Hisui left each of them the day they went to slumber in their statues.

“‘You cannot die of your element, or by any somewhat natural causes. When you have reached your age tenfold, you shall return to stone. You will truly be eternal then’.”

“Eternal? You mean, you’ll die?”

“Yes. Without condition, my body will cease to be living. And my soul will perish with it. Unless I die by something quite extraordinary, I will be erased completely.”

“That…that’s…”

Sobs and coughs melded into one as the message sunk in. Guiltily, he turned his head away. He could not stand to watch her.

“That means I can’t meet you in Heaven after you’re dead?”

“No.”

“Can’t you talk to Hisui about it? Or something? You didn’t have a chance to accept that! That isn’t fair! I really love you, Yainei. I don’t want you to die. You can’t die….you can’t...” Felix licked her head as she wept. Within seconds she latched on tightly to him. The cat meowed just as sadly as she did.

“It’s not fair that you have to die, either. And that I can’t do anything about it. I wish I was as good as the legends say I am. You’re like…you’re like the daughter I never got to know, Diana. And even if it’s only been two months…”

“There has to be something you can do, Yainei…something? Anything? Please, just talk to her. For me?”

“The curse is ever-binding. Nothing except a nearly impossible death can unhinge it. Not even the love I have for you.”

The air was filled with endless tears and coughs.

“Please. You must stop crying…you’re killing yourself,” he barked nervously.

“Y-Yainei…I think…tonight’s it… …what was your wife and daughter like?”

“They were the most beautiful things I ever…no, I do know. And you mean…daughters, right?”

“Yeah. Yainei, I’m just…so happy I finally got to meet you. You’re every bit as magnificent as the legends claimed you to be. …there’s a letter in my nightstand. I wrote it...a long time ago. It’s for William. As soon as I knew I had tuberculosis, I wrote it. Make sure...he gets it so the people can continue to be happy here. Please make sure he gets it.”

“Don’t say such things. You aren’t going to die,” the dog choked.

“Not one way, no. I will never die.”

Felix held on tightly, burying his face into Diana’s body. His howling made her look down at him.

“Ha…haha, Felix…t-thank you for always being at my side. You have made me so happy throughout my life. I love you so much too. I’m sorry I haven’t been paying a lot of attention to you. I really love you so much. P-please don’t be sad.”

As the cat gave a sad cry, attempting to lick away her tears, they dried up. Her skin was turning the pale color under the few moonlight rays that found their way into the room. She weakly coughed. She appeared as she did upon the mountaintop; her eyes were filled with both joy in life, sorrow and fear in her fate, and the pain of her illness taking over her sickly body.

“Yainei…can you…do one last favor for me?”

“Name it,” he bitterly barked. Every inch of him wanted to selfishly refuse her, to run far away, instead of witnessing the horror of death before his eyes again.

“Sleep with me on the bed tonight. It’s getting a little cold.”

Without hesitation, he heaved himself up on the queen-sized mattress. The bed sunk, yet supported his weight as he climbed next to her. He met eyes first with Felix.

“Thank you for trying, Yainei. Thank you for trying. I can rest knowing you tried your hardest to make her well,” he reached over and stroked his fur.

“…I’m…I’m so glad you two finally get along,” Diana weakly muttered, outstretching her arms as she rolled over. “I’m so glad I got to meet you both. I’m so lucky…kaaahk! …so lucky.” Tightly, she caressed the beast as he inched closer. Her nose breathed deeply in, causing another coughing fit. She smiled, despite the blood getting worse. “…Good night, Yainei. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yes…soon,” he assured.

Diana, Yainei, and Felix all fell to slumber.

Only Yainei woke in her arms the next day.

* * *

Everything had been curtly taken care of in Diana’s note. Her will outlined that William would be the first mayor of the town, and that the entire estate would fall to him, since there were no living relatives of the family left. He was left in grief as he read over the details of the burial arrangements. She wanted to be right beside her parents, and whenever Felix died, beside her grave. William requested that the burial have them together. Wachinko, the only doctor that cared for her, was left enough to cover tenfold of the expenses of the medical services he provided.

Yainei, in a small, scribbled addition to the will, was left the rose pin used to keep her hair up in the bun.

Her gravesite stood out among the freshly fallen snow that had come from above the night of her death. Even as it was little and most parts had already turned to slush, the grave seemed perfect among the white beauty. She had seen snow. Heaven granted her dying wish.

Yainei’s thick paws insulated against the cold. Everything in the graveyard was barren. Not even the spirits talked among themselves. Upon his back he carried a pot with a single yellow rose blooming. The color reminded him of her eyes. Carefully, making sure not to disturb her grave, he dug through the cold soil, lifted the plant out of its container, and placed it in the hole. He gently returned the earth to its proper state. He allowed his eyes to read the no-longer pristine tombstone as he spoke out loud.

“Diana LaRoss and Felix. Loving daughter, brilliant child; loyal and beloved family feline. Diana loved her town, and all that surrounded her was dull in comparison. May she…may she…rest…in peace…”

Yainei’s voice cracked at the last. His eyes began burning. The metal binds dug deeper into his skin. His body shook as he dipped his head. Even in his death he never felt so empty, like he didn’t exist.

Tick…tick…

And he exploded. His whimper made the earth shudder, as though it was suffering with him. The reality that Diana, his wife and daughter would never see him again tore his heart apart. Golden tears fell from his mask.

A weight fell from his legs. The tears had burned straight through them somehow. The tears of magma continued to fall from his eyes. Soon all four had fallen from his body, melted completely away unlike the snow around them. The wounds healed on his legs.

Nothing could heal the wound of the loss of loved ones.

He howled a mighty bark. Flames danced around his body. The honorary snow melted within seconds as the heatwave passed over the gravesite. The rose didn’t burn, yet turned pure white, as though the melted snow cumulated into it. Her grave was beautiful.

“I’m…so glad I met you, Diana…see you soon.”

His tears dried. He had cried all he could.

He was finally reborn.

The need to run far, far away from the LaRoss estate took over his body. He gazed one last time at her grave. He could almost see the entire family happily waving goodbye to him one last time.

One last smile from her.

The Entei turned away as their image faded. He braced his legs. He took one step forward. And another. The fire surrounding him melted away his sorrows. He began walking faster. The faster he went, the less he had to worry about the pain. At the edge of the graveyard, he broke into a sprint down the long, green path leading to the garden. Even faster he went. He bore a blazing trail as he left the grave of his daughter behind him. He set off on the southern wind, racing as fast as he could with no more limits bearing him down.

Yainei never stopped running.

And he never looked back.

========================

(...sooooooooo how many of you guys cried?)
 
First off, bravissimo! While not a revolutionary prose form of a Shakespearean tragedy, I could only have imagined of creating such wonderful pieces of this genre as you can; to the very end, was I relieved of the suspense (and when I saw you post this, I took the liberty of printing this out to read after taking the exams, as I don't have a laptop). Again, well done!

If there was one major thing I had to critique about, it would be the "time bomb" metaphor: the trite tool could be considered cliché, along with the just as commonly used hourglass comparison. Of what metaphor you should have come up with for, I dare not imagine, for it's your style and thus the originality needs to come from you. That being the major key of improvement (in my perspective with dealing the plot), I suggest if you want to improve this as is, see if you can revise the entire third part to base on a different metaphor. I'm very sure you're capable of pulling something much greater out of that pen.

Dealing with the plot though, I couldn't help but stop a peculiar contradiction: You mentioned, "it was just a matter of a few short months, the end of October, before the sick girl’s bomb would explode," and yet she died shortly soon the day after, supposedly. This leads the reader to wonder if she really died the day after, unable to bear such stress and despair, or if days really passed by.

And one last thing about the plot: Meowth's short tale; a decent section of the story, but what function did it truly serve? To develop Felix's character, showing that he's not as one-sided as we believed; to demonstrate the vast cruelty of the illness, slowly bringing the prolonged tragedy to where it should be; but the reader expects the graveyard passage to also demonstrate a change of tone, where the Entei realizes what was truly at stake, and to help aid Diana, but this never happens as you jump to the climax with no more time to develop. These three things I hope you consider...

Ok, I'm not done. x3

A drastic change I've come to realize is the sudden change in the style of your writing; where bacon and I once noted your "flowery" details, you sent that almost to a halt:

He howled a mighty bark. Flames danced around his body. The honorary snow melted within seconds as the heatwave passed over the gravesite. The rose didn’t burn, yet turned pure white, as though the melted snow cumulated into it. Her grave was beautiful.

I literally flinched when my eyes at first glanced over the bolded sentence; at your writing level, I can only think two things that explains this, both not exactly good: you either rushed or were careless in your sentences. In either case, your original style would have done quite well in this last portion of the story, but I didn't see it. Disappointment in that regard? I must admit I felt a drop or two of it.

But this is just the analysis of someone aiming for a 5 in AP Language; I could go on with the technicalities of your sentence structure (something I was originally planning on talking about, but ultimately deciding against it), and maybe a few other things. In your goal of create a tragedy, however, you did extraordinary, and I congratulate you on that. One more time:

Bravissimo!
 
Finally finished reading this, was busy with finals this week. I can't really say too much. You are really good with details) great work with the dialogue as always. =P However, like like the others said before, it is a bit wordy of times, and some strange wording too. Then you end up stopping it as Zyflair said. Also, I'm a bit lost on something, but I'll PM you on it. Won't spoil it for others.



Also, how dare you make me feel all mussy with the first two parts! BLEGH!

Just kidding, you set it up very well, but the ending was....sniff. It's awesome for your first try on these stories. I have only read a few others like these, so I can't really offer more. You did reach your goal of making one, and a great one at that. A few cliché moments, but a thousand times better than the type of writing I see.
 
(*noms angrily on Pokebeach for being dumb about her posting messages twice* ;; It deleted my big ol response once and then falsely entered in a one sentence replyyyyyy ><)

Zyflair: Oh yay big response :3 (I really don't feel like retyping everything I wrote once before so I'm gunna summarize everything best I can mmmkay?)

First off, bravissimo! While not a revolutionary prose form of a Shakespearean tragedy, I could only have imagined of creating such wonderful pieces of this genre as you can; to the very end, was I relieved of the suspense (and when I saw you post this, I took the liberty of printing this out to read after taking the exams, as I don't have a laptop). Again, well done!

Lol, I don't think anyone comes close to Shakespeare, but still I'm flattered by your thoughts. :D I'm sure you could easily do this if you tried. You have all the elements of this nature yourself. But yay for fancy words! Can you tell I'm tired?

If there was one major thing I had to critique about, it would be the "time bomb" metaphor: the trite tool could be considered cliché, along with the just as commonly used hourglass comparison. Of what metaphor you should have come up with for, I dare not imagine, for it's your style and thus the originality needs to come from you. That being the major key of improvement (in my perspective with dealing the plot), I suggest if you want to improve this as is, see if you can revise the entire third part to base on a different metaphor. I'm very sure you're capable of pulling something much greater out of that pen.

Anyways, yes. Ticking time bomb needs to go. I think (think, keyword) I came up with something that can do the job without being nearly as cliche (I mean, any kinda metaphor for time running out is gunna be cliche emmirite?) when I was reading over your comment, so hopefully that'll work out.

Dealing with the plot though, I couldn't help but stop a peculiar contradiction: You mentioned, "it was just a matter of a few short months, the end of October, before the sick girl’s bomb would explode," and yet she died shortly soon the day after, supposedly. This leads the reader to wonder if she really died the day after, unable to bear such stress and despair, or if days really passed by.

In terms of time, that was a booboo on my part. I'll be changing Felix's part to mid September (instead of the first week of September, a week after Yainei arrived), and the last part was supposed to (grossly) jump to late October. I think I mentioned incorrectly in some of William's dialogue that the season was growing short, where I should have said that the season was very close to ending. That was definitely my mistake. :X I think I'm adding the bath and nap time parts to the second part so it flows better, too.

On that thought, I really wish I had more time to put that vacation in. You know, to tug at all of your heartstrings a little more. It did go by a little too fast, but I wanted to practice minimalism with this story, so I axed it out.

And one last thing about the plot: Meowth's short tale; a decent section of the story, but what function did it truly serve? To develop Felix's character, showing that he's not as one-sided as we believed; to demonstrate the vast cruelty of the illness, slowly bringing the prolonged tragedy to where it should be; but the reader expects the graveyard passage to also demonstrate a change of tone, where the Entei realizes what was truly at stake, and to help aid Diana, but this never happens as you jump to the climax with no more time to develop. These three things I hope you consider...

I wanted to further Felix's character before the story was over; that was the big purpose of his part. At the same time I wanted it to be a foreshadowing tool. (I try and get away with it a lot, I've noticed. ;D) The last part of that entry also served a purpose, and hopefully, if I edit out the ticking time bomb nonsense correctly, that part will work well. Hopefully. >>' Again, it's a matter of time on my part and trying very very hard to keep this as minimal as possible with as much impact. I woulda looooooved some false hope. Great tool. ;D

A drastic change I've come to realize is the sudden change in the style of your writing; where bacon and I once noted your "flowery" details, you sent that almost to a halt:

Quote:
He howled a mighty bark. Flames danced around his body. The honorary snow melted within seconds as the heatwave passed over the gravesite. The rose didn’t burn, yet turned pure white, as though the melted snow cumulated into it. Her grave was beautiful.

I literally flinched when my eyes at first glanced over the bolded sentence; at your writing level, I can only think two things that explains this, both not exactly good: you either rushed or were careless in your sentences. In either case, your original style would have done quite well in this last portion of the story, but I didn't see it. Disappointment in that regard? I must admit I felt a drop or two of it.

Now, we come to a part I disagree with you. While that bolded sentence DOES need to go (holy cheese, I must have been tired when I wrote that at like...2 in the morning XD), I assure you that the lack of details and the itty bitty sentences with minimal adj./adv. was entirely intentional. In my style of writing, I'm always trying to find ways to really push third person, and almost combine it with first without breaking the fourth wall. (I feel it's gunna happen anyways, buuuut...) In that way, I tried to show what Yainei was feeling at the end through the writing itself. I know when I'm stricken by sadness, I think the most blunt things, and I repeat them over and over. I don't bother thinking of how pretty a rose is. I wanted to try and show his sorrow through that, if that makes any sense. In an artistic analogy, too, if this was a comic strip, the entire scene, even when he speaks, would be without sound effects or speech bubbles to really push the drama. ...I feel like I'm not making sense. :/

But this is just the analysis of someone aiming for a 5 in AP Language; I could go on with the technicalities of your sentence structure (something I was originally planning on talking about, but ultimately deciding against it), and maybe a few other things. In your goal of create a tragedy, however, you did extraordinary, and I congratulate you on that.

Regardless, I hope you will tear this piece apart once I've gone through and edited as much as possible. >D Sentence structure has always been a little weird for me (probably has something to do with the time I decide to write...blast you, midnight inspiration! *shakes fist*), so hopefully I'll get my cards straight and in line for that time frame. I do so enjoy your thoughtful (and not-so-jerkwadish;there's this guy on Serebii that doesn't seem to understand the entire 'constructive criticism' part of criting a piece ;D) comments, and it really helps to have someone aiming for a crazy grade in an AP class giving their input here. (It's been too long since I've attended a writing class. Some of my writing teachers of the past were complete nimrods. I once caught a really key mistake on my friend's storyplot that he overlooked twice.) So again, thank you. :D

CA: Hey, totally okay. I know how them ugly things can get :p And as said above and before, I tend to get really flowery when starting a story and then mellow out. The lack of adjectives/adverbs at the end was intentional. And PM indeeeeed! Anything you note can definitely help on terms of the cliche sides.

Mussy? :p Regardless, thanks. Good to see a few weeping people here and there, and good to know it was that effective.



Any more comments back about stuff, folks? I wanna make sure I really get any feedback I can before I start editing so I know exactly what to target on editing. >3
 
Crystal Hikara said:
Lol, I don't think anyone comes close to Shakespeare, but still I'm flattered by your thoughts. :D I'm sure you could easily do this if you tried. You have all the elements of this nature yourself. But yay for fancy words! Can you tell I'm tired?
I have no artistic nature of emotional tragedy. Believe me, I have NO clue how to even start a good tragedy. >_>

Anyways, yes. Ticking time bomb needs to go. I think (think, keyword) I came up with something that can do the job without being nearly as cliche (I mean, any kinda metaphor for time running out is gunna be cliche emmirite?) when I was reading over your comment, so hopefully that'll work out.
Alrighty then. Personally, I think the best way to ever characterize time is with a symbol, and not a metaphor, but that's even harder to use, so meh.

On that thought, I really wish I had more time to put that vacation in. You know, to tug at all of your heartstrings a little more. It did go by a little too fast, but I wanted to practice minimalism with this story, so I axed it out.
Want to get an idea of minimalism? Read Ernest Hemingway: the renown literaturist in word and sentence minimalism. Trust me, sometimes getting everything down in as short as possible while being clear isn't always great. Your gut feeling is normally the better voice to follow, and I'd love to read a vacation part. x3

In my style of writing, I'm always trying to find ways to really push third person, and almost combine it with first without breaking the fourth wall. (I feel it's gunna happen anyways, buuuut...) In that way, I tried to show what Yainei was feeling at the end through the writing itself. I know when I'm stricken by sadness, I think the most blunt things, and I repeat them over and over. I don't bother thinking of how pretty a rose is. I wanted to try and show his sorrow through that, if that makes any sense. In an artistic analogy, too, if this was a comic strip, the entire scene, even when he speaks, would be without sound effects or speech bubbles to really push the drama. ...I feel like I'm not making sense. :/
Breaking fourth wall is a NONO.

Anyway, I slightly (though not completely, but I believe I got the gist) understand, so no worries. ;D

Regardless, I hope you will tear this piece apart once I've gone through and edited as much as possible. >D Sentence structure has always been a little weird for me (probably has something to do with the time I decide to write...blast you, midnight inspiration! *shakes fist*), so hopefully I'll get my cards straight and in line for that time frame. I do so enjoy your thoughtful (and not-so-jerkwadish;there's this guy on Serebii that doesn't seem to understand the entire 'constructive criticism' part of criting a piece ;D) comments, and it really helps to have someone aiming for a crazy grade in an AP class giving their input here. (It's been too long since I've attended a writing class. Some of my writing teachers of the past were complete nimrods. I once caught a really key mistake on my friend's storyplot that he overlooked twice.) So again, thank you.
Sentence structure is (thankfully) one of the skills we have control over. Strangely, I've always considered Hemingway and Faulkner more of opposites, but you seem to portray a few traits in your style that are remotely similar. Eh, it's just me speaking and I must be making little sense. To wrap up, lemme know if you want me to look over your writing in other terms, as I'm really more skilled in rhetoric technique and not tragedy skills (and to be frank, I don't even know where that falls in... style?).

Have fun,

~Zyflair
 
I don't know anything about writing like Zyflair does so I can't give you any useful... what's the word... advice? Advice.

Random story about an Entei is random. I liked it anyway, it was good. I didn't cry, but I was sad :<
 
Zyflair: Apparently I made one a tradegy-Sue, so apparently I have no idea to write a non-cliche good one as well XD I dunno. For me, I think what's key is trying to develop a character a good bit, showing some sort of foreshadowing to their untimely death, and then have the character not sympathize over their own death, but over another person. That's what I got outta Romeo and Juliet, but maybe that's me.

About the symbol- I was thinking of using one. Not sure how it'll work out, but I hope it'll manage. I'm too poetic a writer sometimes, so I gotta get away from metaphors. D:

UGH NO YOU MENTIONED HEMINGWAY WORST MOST BORING WRITER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF WRITERS ASDFSB DRGE ;;
My problem with writing I've noticed is not being able to keep a limit on stuff. I stopped writing RQO to re-write it because it was so poor, but at the time it was like at 400 pages on Word and there was a lot of useless junk and so I'm trashing half of it. Back on topic, I maaaaay do that. I might just change this into a short story and have a few more instances to better develop Diana, because I feel she didn't get as much as she deserved here.

Aye, agreed on no breaking fourth wall, as I think I said. I think there are few instances where it's okay, but not many, so I avoid it like the plaaaaague.

Glaaaaadly. Feel free to take a look at sentence structure as much as you'd like and PM me with it. Some of the stuff looks fine in my head and then I reread it and think....what?

I DID IT AGAIN WALL OF TEXTING SEE? THIS IS WHY I NEED TO PRACTICE not typing in all caps and minimalizing stuff.

PMJ: Hay, that's okay. General feedback can be really key too, I think :3
Yes, it is. I was sick when I started this a year ago, I recall. I get some really weird inspiration at times lol. But yay sort of for sadness?
 
Crystal Hikara said:
UGH NO YOU MENTIONED HEMINGWAY WORST MOST BORING WRITER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF WRITERS ASDFSB DRGE ;;
Uh. No. That would be E.B. White.
/me runs from Stuart Little and Charlotte's Web fans.

I'll send you a pm when I have time to look over this. x3
 
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