Well, here's my first Fanfic: a short story. I hope you like it.
Chapter 1: The Raid (ers of the Lost Ark)
It is shortly before nightfall at the time when the Kricketune begin their nightly melodies and perform their orchestras. It is the time when the Hoot-Hoot awaken and many woodland Pokémon are return to their dens and burrows. It is the time that the shopkeepers start to close their stores and the workers begin their way home for the night.
I am watching Luna play with the other orphaned Zangoose children. She is the most distinguishable child at the orphanage. Her short stature, small claws, bright pink eyes, and long ears make her stand out from the others. She and the other children take turns hiding and chasing each other between the great trees, laughing, unknowing of the danger lurking right outside our village. Then the warning horns sound. A Seviper raid is here.
We were long overdue for the next raid. For the first time in months I am reminded of my parents death. They were among the dozen or so killed during a raid about nine years ago. I feel the pang of loneliness that accompanies such thoughts try to break me down. I ignore it for Luna's sake. I must stay strong for her.
” Come on”, I say as I begin to drag Luna with me toward the entrance to the Catacomb: an underground cavern where the townsfolk take refuge during an attack while the Guards fight off the raiders.
It isn’t a very long walk from the orphanage at the edge of the village to the center of town where the entrance is, but the sense of dread that the pandemonium to seek safety instills on me makes it seem like a lifetime. We dash through the village, trying to make it to the catacomb before the doors close. While we are scurrying between the trees I don’t spot one other soul. By the time we arrive at the doors the rest of the villagers are now underground and the hatch is closing.
I throw Luna through the closing doors just before the entrance becomes too tight even for her to fit through. She has just enough time to scream my name, Talon, as the doors shut with a thud, leaving me locked outside just as an ominous hissing slowly starts to fill the air.
I frantically scour for a place to hide as the panic sets in. The louder and louder the hissing grows the faster my heart beats and the more my stomach knots. I comb through the village and find nowhere to hide. My hunt for a hiding spot seems futile when I hear sobbing off to my left.
I scan carefully until I find a portly boy under the roots of an enormous tree. It was a great hiding place; I wouldn’t have located him if it weren’t for the noise. “Be quite or they’ll here you” I whisper, but it was too late.
I hear a loud sudden hiss coming from behind me. I spin around quickly and notice a pair of glowing red eyes staring at me menacingly from the darkness. It slithers slowly toward me and raises its bladed tail, preparing to attack. Without thinking I dash at the Seviper with a battle cry as it lunges at me. I slit its throat open with my claws as I duck below its tail.
I know that I’m not safe yet and soon enough over a dozen pairs of unblinking red eyes now glare at me from the darkness. The first one lunges at me with its jaws open, bearing its huge razor sharp fangs. I rush towards it with another roar and thrust my claw out in front of me before it can bite me causing it to impale its eyes into my claws, gouging its brain.
These first two kills have stirred something inside of me. Now as I snap the neck of my most recent victim I thirst for more. I enjoy the crunch of its bones in my claws. I attack the remaining Sevipers with a fury of slashes and jabs from my claws. I rip one’s head off and stab another with its own tail. I am no longer aware of anything else but the blood of my enemies. The desire to protect the few things that I have left gives me the strength to rip the serpents to shreds. Or perhaps it is revenge that drives my fury?
As a new batch charges at me I notice that I am no longer alone in my fight. A muscular Guard is beside me, ripping a Seviper in half. “Stay out of this, kid” he growls, “leave this to us.” He throws me back onto the ground and then takes on another serpent.
Just as the last wave appears I hear a screech coming from the trees. A tall, slender, female Zangoose drops down and lands on a Seviper, embedding her red claws in its torso. I instantly notice her most striking feature; her fur. Her paws, ears, and markings are blue instead of red. I lay motionless, watching her fluidly obliterating the last dozen Seviper with flowing motions. She gracefully anticipates and counters her opponents’ attacks, using their moves against them. She doesn’t waste a single movement while she tears the into pieces.
After the last Seviper is finished off the muscular Guard orders “Come with us”, and drags me along behind them.
Should I write more or just give up? Is the violence too much? Tell me what you think. I appreciate any and all constructive criticism.I wrote it on Microsoft word first so the spelling and grammar should be perfect. I indented each paragraph but its not showing up.
Edit: I found a few mistakes and corrected them.
Chapter 1: The Raid (ers of the Lost Ark)
It is shortly before nightfall at the time when the Kricketune begin their nightly melodies and perform their orchestras. It is the time when the Hoot-Hoot awaken and many woodland Pokémon are return to their dens and burrows. It is the time that the shopkeepers start to close their stores and the workers begin their way home for the night.
I am watching Luna play with the other orphaned Zangoose children. She is the most distinguishable child at the orphanage. Her short stature, small claws, bright pink eyes, and long ears make her stand out from the others. She and the other children take turns hiding and chasing each other between the great trees, laughing, unknowing of the danger lurking right outside our village. Then the warning horns sound. A Seviper raid is here.
We were long overdue for the next raid. For the first time in months I am reminded of my parents death. They were among the dozen or so killed during a raid about nine years ago. I feel the pang of loneliness that accompanies such thoughts try to break me down. I ignore it for Luna's sake. I must stay strong for her.
” Come on”, I say as I begin to drag Luna with me toward the entrance to the Catacomb: an underground cavern where the townsfolk take refuge during an attack while the Guards fight off the raiders.
It isn’t a very long walk from the orphanage at the edge of the village to the center of town where the entrance is, but the sense of dread that the pandemonium to seek safety instills on me makes it seem like a lifetime. We dash through the village, trying to make it to the catacomb before the doors close. While we are scurrying between the trees I don’t spot one other soul. By the time we arrive at the doors the rest of the villagers are now underground and the hatch is closing.
I throw Luna through the closing doors just before the entrance becomes too tight even for her to fit through. She has just enough time to scream my name, Talon, as the doors shut with a thud, leaving me locked outside just as an ominous hissing slowly starts to fill the air.
I frantically scour for a place to hide as the panic sets in. The louder and louder the hissing grows the faster my heart beats and the more my stomach knots. I comb through the village and find nowhere to hide. My hunt for a hiding spot seems futile when I hear sobbing off to my left.
I scan carefully until I find a portly boy under the roots of an enormous tree. It was a great hiding place; I wouldn’t have located him if it weren’t for the noise. “Be quite or they’ll here you” I whisper, but it was too late.
I hear a loud sudden hiss coming from behind me. I spin around quickly and notice a pair of glowing red eyes staring at me menacingly from the darkness. It slithers slowly toward me and raises its bladed tail, preparing to attack. Without thinking I dash at the Seviper with a battle cry as it lunges at me. I slit its throat open with my claws as I duck below its tail.
I know that I’m not safe yet and soon enough over a dozen pairs of unblinking red eyes now glare at me from the darkness. The first one lunges at me with its jaws open, bearing its huge razor sharp fangs. I rush towards it with another roar and thrust my claw out in front of me before it can bite me causing it to impale its eyes into my claws, gouging its brain.
These first two kills have stirred something inside of me. Now as I snap the neck of my most recent victim I thirst for more. I enjoy the crunch of its bones in my claws. I attack the remaining Sevipers with a fury of slashes and jabs from my claws. I rip one’s head off and stab another with its own tail. I am no longer aware of anything else but the blood of my enemies. The desire to protect the few things that I have left gives me the strength to rip the serpents to shreds. Or perhaps it is revenge that drives my fury?
As a new batch charges at me I notice that I am no longer alone in my fight. A muscular Guard is beside me, ripping a Seviper in half. “Stay out of this, kid” he growls, “leave this to us.” He throws me back onto the ground and then takes on another serpent.
Just as the last wave appears I hear a screech coming from the trees. A tall, slender, female Zangoose drops down and lands on a Seviper, embedding her red claws in its torso. I instantly notice her most striking feature; her fur. Her paws, ears, and markings are blue instead of red. I lay motionless, watching her fluidly obliterating the last dozen Seviper with flowing motions. She gracefully anticipates and counters her opponents’ attacks, using their moves against them. She doesn’t waste a single movement while she tears the into pieces.
After the last Seviper is finished off the muscular Guard orders “Come with us”, and drags me along behind them.
Should I write more or just give up? Is the violence too much? Tell me what you think. I appreciate any and all constructive criticism.I wrote it on Microsoft word first so the spelling and grammar should be perfect. I indented each paragraph but its not showing up.
Edit: I found a few mistakes and corrected them.
